5 Things To Be Afraid Of

There are 5 things everyone should be afraid of.

1. Robots

Just think... robots could be used for good or for pure evil based on how humans program them. AI robots already have the ability to run a whole gamut of emotions and the technological advances in the field are rapidly improving. We are so dependent on machines for support, but they won't need us once they're advanced and intelligent. Before we know it robots will have gone from doing labor in factories to being self controlled and highly skilled killing machines with lasers for eyes and cold, unfeeling metal hearts.

2. Republicans

Why do they constantly insist that we need war to build the economy? Why must they bring Christianity into politics? Why are they bashing gay marriage and claiming their beliefs to be superior? What's that you said about taxing the rich and giving to the poor, Right Wing scum? You're evil. GOP bastards. Big business favoritism, monetary stinginess, and insanely backwards federal regulations are definitely not my thing.

3. 2012

We're. All. Doomed. The Mayans knew it, and so should you. Just watch any of the many History Channel documentaries on the horror that will ensue. Asteroids will fall from the heavens, tsunamis will devastate the land, and the world as we know it will cease to exist. December, 2012, you will find me barricaded and reinforced on the tallest mountain possible, as far away from tectonic shifting and fault lines as is geologically possible, screaming at the top of my lungs and cursing the gods. I will have ammo. I will have supplies. I will have brought scuba gear and fire proof clothing. I will give you my coordinates. BYOB.

4. Zombies

They were once people too. Now they aren't and they're out for your brains. Don't be caught with your pants down and act all surprised when they start crawling out of their wormy holes in the ground and coming after you and yours. I've most definitely read the Zombie Survival Guide and hardened myself to the idea of attacking a corpse. This ain't no Thriller music video or low budget Hollywood B movie with an obligatory nudie scene. Zombies will be a moaning, foot dragging plague on us all. Get your pitch forks and shovels, folks. Board your windows. And remember, she's not your mother anymore.

5. Chinese People

Did anyone else watch the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics in 2008? Remember the big opening number with about 3,000 drummers all playing perfectly in sync? That almost made me crap my pants. If they're willing to put that much effort into the pomp and circumstance of a ceremony, think about the precision and unity with which they could attack our McDonald's loving, beer guzzling, TV glued country. Don't get me wrong; I have as much national pride as the next guy, but I am a realist. They have national PRIDE. And shit tons more people... and brains. Would you rather be attacked by Jackie Chan or Homer Simpson?

Consider yourselves warned.